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this mess of sadness and phobias
During my last semester of college(around October 2013), I developed a crush on a guy in my class. It seemed like the feeling might be mutual- the smiles, the driving me to my car, the overall proximity.

Anyway, during that semester, I signed up for Tinder. One day as I was scrolling through, I saw him. And of course I clicked the little heart. Three days later, I got a notification that I had a match, and it was him.

2014-06-04 11.14.03

Of course, I freaked the fuck out. I tried to be normal.


But of course, normal isn't my strong suit. Cue me frantically texting my bestie.

Aaaand this was pretty much the extent of that dude's and my interactions. We were in a 4-person group in a class so it was reeeeeeeeal awkward. This whole thing transitioned us to only discussing classwork and only when 100% necessary. So, Tinder failed me for the first time (of many) with that one.
this mess of sadness and phobias
 1. Stank notification card prototype

 2. Sleep

 3. Tear apart and put back together bedroom in search of a jump drive that might possibly contain a similar  project.

 4. Find jump drive in a place that was not torn up.

 5. Plug in jump drive- project isn't there.

 6. Vow to set up a password-protected blog where I post every single paper/project I've ever written in case I  need to  reuse them like this.

 7. This post.

I hate myself.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
this mess of sadness and phobias
02 January 2011 @ 11:15 pm
Current Mood: boredbored
this mess of sadness and phobias
07 October 2010 @ 09:14 pm
I hate living in Utah. Totally new information, right? Being surrounded by Mormons just doesn't work for me. At all.

Case in point: in one of my classes, I have to produce a podcast. There's one guy in the class who is my kinda-sorta friend, mainly because I thought it would be a good idea to have one person within my major that I haven't been a bitch to or ignored. He's annoying enough to have talked to me despite my general bitchiness and ignoring of people, so there's one strike against him, but I'm trying to maintain a relationship just in case I need him someday. So far, he only needs me. Which sucks, but whatever.

So, today, podcast. He suggested that we do ours together and I was said, "Sure, I guess. Do you have any ideas?" And all he could come up with was, "I could have my roommates tell mission stories." Like, really?  These are generally just asshole tales of ethnocentrism, fish-out-of-water stories about the crazy food that people who aren't the guy's bland Mormon mom make, or this one time in some scary alley or some random happenstance that they think their god caused.  I hear it ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I HATE IT.  

Amazingly, I didn't shy out on that like I normally do. I actually said, "Hah, yeah, that would be fascinating! Having to listen to that wouldn't make me want to kill myself AT ALL." To his credit, he laughed and told me I wouldn't have to listen, I would just have to create it. I just hate life here. So much. I need to get my ass in gear and finish school so I can move to the Pacific Northwest.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
this mess of sadness and phobias
12 September 2010 @ 12:26 pm
Somewhere on twitter, I found out about a project called  10Q.  For 10 days, starting on the 8th, a different question was released every day to be answered about the previous year.  I didn't really get into it until yesterday, day 4.

Day 4:  Describe an event in the world that has impacted you this year. How? Why?
The overturn of Proposition 8, stating, "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." Although, at present, there is a stay on this decision, I still have hope that this hateful and discriminatory constitutional amendment will someday only be a distant and embarrassing memory for this country, like the Jim Crow laws are now. As a straight woman (and a non-Californian), I'm not personally affected, but as someone with a sense of decency and with gay friends who deserve every single right that I'm entitled to, Proposition 8 deeply offended me.
Also, as a former Mormon still living in the heart of Mormon country, reactions of those around me double-sealed my exit. As a child in church, I learned a song that comes to mind when I hear Mormons preaching hate. "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too..." I heard ugly, celebratory reactions the day Proposition 8 passed and visceral anger the day it was overturned. A church that calls itself, "...of Jesus Christ..." should take a lesson from the songs that are taught to their innocent children.

The project saves your answers and you can look at them next year and reflect on your life or whatever.  I think it's cool.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
this mess of sadness and phobias
29 July 2010 @ 08:56 am
Summer Clouds

I love summer afternoons when the sky gets all crazy. This is from my new flickr because the old one is getting too full and I'm too cheap/lazy to buy a pro account or delete stuff.
Current Mood: blahblah
this mess of sadness and phobias
18 June 2010 @ 08:31 pm
If someone intentionally set fire to your home and you had ten minutes to get out, would you try to save the arsonist or your belongings?

Seriously?  Fuck the arsonist.  I would save dirty laundry before I would save the person who set my house on fire.
this mess of sadness and phobias
03 June 2010 @ 12:18 pm
I'm in class and the discussion is about the reach of the internet around the world.

Someone just said, "How are we defining penetration?"

And then I died.

But, seriously, I'm shaking with laughter and can't stop. 
Current Mood: gigglygiggly
this mess of sadness and phobias
My mother has started nagging me to go to church with her again.  Like, woman, I stopped that shit five years ago.  I still have nightmares about it.  I am NEVER going back.  I blame my cousin.  She had a big Mormon wedding on Friday and even invited my mom to the super secret (or, as I see it, creepy) ceremony.  For some reason, she doesn't find it incredibly creepy and appears to be panicking about my salvation or something.  She's said she wants me to go to church with her at least twice since Friday night.  

I refuse.  When she asks why, I really want to say, "Because I don't believe in God and your religion can go fuck itself."  Instead, I talk about how it freaks me out- one of the last times I went to church with her she had to drag me out of there mid-panic attack.  That is a real thing- that place is so awful that I really can't stand it.  Tonight when she made me explain why I wouldn't go, I said that I couldn't stand to be around the people- I leave the house for work and school because I need the money and I need to find a job that doesn't suck so bad.  "But you'll be paid in blessings!"  Bullshit.  Ugh, I hate this.  If she says anything else, I'll threaten to move out if she doesn't stop.  Maybe that will make her shut up. 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
this mess of sadness and phobias
23 February 2010 @ 08:04 pm
How often do you watch TV shows or movies on your computer? What determines whether you watch on your TV versus your computer?

I watch pretty much everything on my computer.  I live in my parents' basement (LOSER!) and the TV down there is an ancient castoff 13 inch tube TV.  Needless to say, I hate watching stuff on that.  My computer monitor is a crisp widescreen so it has great picture quality.  So, if It isn't included in my household's extremely limited cable package or is something that would offend my hardcore religious parents, I watch it on my computer.  So, basically, everything.